What if?

Sassy Cat used to be fearless.  She used to stand up to dogs and if a cat got too close, a well aimed swipe of her paw usually took care of ‘em.  About two weeks ago something happened though.  I don’t know what.  I just know that it happened at night and that the Sassy Cat I knew and admired was no more.  She is now afraid…of everything.

Fear is a disease.  It can cripple lives and stunt growth of happy personalities.  If left uncheck, well, it’s not pretty.  It is the reason we stay in relationships we know are doomed.  We are afraid to leave.  We are afraid to try something new.  We can’t quit our hated jobs because we are afraid to look for something else.  We are afraid we won’t find something else.  We don’t move to a new place because we are afraid.  We are afraid of the unknown and of change.

Yet, change is inevitable and unavoidable.  We must be able to grow with change and adapt or we fail to thrive.  We have to accept that we will make mistakes, but we learn from mistakes and grow wiser…more savvy.  I am working with Sassy everyday to restore her sense of balance in the world, but it will be tough.  For me, the biggest fear is the “what if” syndrome.  I don’t have fear of change.  I like challenges.  What I don’t want to do on my death bed is have regrets about those things that I was too afraid to do.  I don’t want to wonder how my life would have turned out if I hadn’t been too afraid to do the things I was too afraid to do.

Down on Your Luck?

This is Champers.  He was forgotten and abandoned.  Thought the worst was at hand with no home of his own.  He's like me.  Starting a new life with no direction at the moment.  Sometimes, though, you just have to have faith that all will turn out just right. 

It's hard to have faith.  You can't touch it.  You can't buy it.  But those who have it, wouldn't trade it for the world.  It's a belief that things that happen are meant to be.  That everything that happens to you was meant to be.  You may not know right then why something happens and why it happened to you, but if you have faith, then you believe that things will turn out okay in the end. 

It's how I've lived my life.  It's how I continue to live my life.  Yes, I make choices, and sometimes it's not the right choice, but it's the right choice for me at the time.  In the end, all we can do is our best and hope for the best.  Life doesn't come with a manual (don't I wish) cause that would make it too easy, and no one ever said life was easy.  Faith makes it easier if you believe that all things happen for a reason, that they were meant to be and that you will wind up where you should. 

Champers is happy now.  He has a home - mine, and I have a cat whose trust I gained by just being me.  This is him, laying on the driveway, wondering why I stopped petting him.  He can't understand that I just needed to capture the moment.  Don't forget to stop sometimes and just enjoy the moment, and have faith that there will be many wonderful moments you'll want to capture and hold on to.

Compromise is not a four letter word!

Love.  It is a choice.  It is a way of life.  It is a hard road to travel sometimes.  On the best days, it is easy and fun and wonderful.  On the worst, well, you have to work at it.  We are all different.  Opposites attract.  The key is compromise.  It can't always be my way, and it can't always be his.  Sometimes, we have to make "our" way.  He gives; I give.  Sometimes, I give more and sometimes, he has to give more.  In my younger days, well, I used to say, "It's my way or the highway!"  I remember feeling that if I gave an inch, then I would continue to give in, and I'd wind up losing all together.  As I've grown older, I've discovered that in a true compromise, there are no losers.  When we get along, we all win.  I've realized that a relationship is worth only what we each put into it.  It's only as hard as you make it.

A Cat?

In a previous life I was a bona fide die-hard cat-hating dog lover and proud of it. One day I was out-voted and over-ruled by my teenagers and a kitten moved in.  I remember standing my ground and being tough.  I ruled that the enemy would be confined to their room.  I wanted no part of that cat. 

It took a while (two days), but I finally warmed up to the little thing.  I really don't remember how it happened, but within a year that cat was the only thing worth coming home to at the end of a long day.  A single woman's companion.  Unconditional love without any of the heartache.  When the kids moved out, the cat stayed.

We've grown rather close over the years.  He's scratched me.  I've stepped on his tail.  He's bit me.  I've squeezed him and cried into his fur when I've been upset.  He swatted my favorite coffee cup off the counter and broke it.  I took him to the vet and had him fixed (took him three very long days of glaring to get over that).  He's peed on my carpet.  I've almost killed him when I didn't rinse all the Palmolive off when I tried to give him a bath (took him three very long days to get better).

He annoys me when he scratches the furniture or trips me when I am trying to fix dinner or jumps on the counter when I'm baking or jumps up on the keyboard when I'm writing.

I couldn't imagine life without him.

Mega What?

My sister woke me up from a good nap before bed to ask if I had bought a ticket.  A ticket for what?  The lottery, of course.  Huh?  No. Why?  A little extra money would be nice, but 640 million?  That's just a headache and a heartache waiting to happen.  I have enough obstacles in my path now as it is, why add more?  A job I love, a man who loves me, cats who depend on me, and children and grandchildren that make me proud.  Health that's holding out so far.  A house that is a home filled with memories of a unique life and time to smell the roses.  That's a life I wouldn't want to complicate or mess up.  If it ain't broke, don't fix it.  That's how I see it.

Trapped!

Sassy Cat (yes, that is her name) meowed long pitiful meows cause she couldn't get to me.  Trapped on the porch with no way off or out.  She finally stopped her noise and just looked at me.  A long, silent plea for understanding and love and a bidding to do her will.  She won.  I released her from her captivity to romp free among the clover weeds (with the drought last summer that's all we have left in Texas.)  No grass.

I became a grandma again yesterday, but I won't get the chance to know her because...well, sometimes life works out the way it's supposed to and sometimes it doesn't.  Life is a funny thing.  It leads us, chases us, deserts us, and sometimes traps us.  My heart is heavy today.  I feel hopeless and trapped just like Sassy Cat waiting for someone to come open a door and make it all better.

P is King!

Park the car and turn off the engine. I'm home! One foot in front of the other and head straight to the refrigerator. It's been a busy, hectic day filled with needy people, and I want, crave, must have Pickles!!! I think the best letter of the alphabet is P. It is at the root of all my vices. I'm addicted to the letter P. Pickles, pizza, pretzels, popcorn, and don't forget the miracle of all veggies....the potato! The best of the best because what other vegetable is so talented. There is mashed potatoes, fried potatoes, scalloped potatoes, baked potatoes, hash browns, potato chips and the almighty french fry. Not to mention pie, as in pumpkin and pecan, and for breakfast there is pancakes and pudding.  Yes, I eat pudding for breakfast with a side of pickles.  It must be that sweet and sour thing my mouth loves.  Actually, it just loves food.  There is something very comforting about food.  It soothes and makes everything okay sometimes, and then sometimes, it just energizes us to move the world.  So enjoy your addiction whatever it may be and move your world!  

It's About Time!!

Have you ever wanted to do something but just kept making excuses about why you weren't getting started doing whatever it was you wanted to do? I don't have the time or the energy or the kids are too young or Mr. Sassy Pencil needs attention or I don't have the money or the time is just not right for me. Well, it's time to drop the excuses and bury them. The time is now. NOW! I've waited long enough. I'm putting everyone, and I mean EVERYONE else's needs and wants aside and will concentrate on ME for a change. Not that other people's needs and wants don't exist, but the plain fact is that other people's needs and wants should never be more important than my own. That's what I vow to do, starting today. I will start making my needs and wants a priority along with everyone else's.

I've been a lot people in my life and started over so many times that it's all become blurry at times. However, through it all, the two things that have kept me going are my sassy attitude and my pencil. Hence, The Sassy Pencil.

I am or have been (in no particular order): a woman, a mother, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a grandmother, a student, a pizza delivery person, a bitch, a fast-food chain operator, a file room clerk, a saint, a substitute teacher, a prison guard, an office manager, a fast-food worker, a donut shop waitress, and some would say (not me, of course), a general pain in the ass with a big mouth. I am opinionated as I believe most of us are. Some of us (me) are just better at expressing our feelings and thoughts aloud and getting results. Hence, a blog.

I can identify with a pencil. When you think about it, pencils are really durable creatures. They survive a multitude of indignities each and every day. Really. We suck on it, bite it, stick it behind our ear, throw it, use it as a weapon and a tool, step on it, eat the eraser, kick it down the hall, stairs, and across the floor, and break it. Then, we dust it off, sharpen the end, and use it to pass or fail a test, write a note of hate, a list of groceries, a letter of love, or even a novel. The pencil doesn't lie. It just writes what the brain and the heart tells it to and as with all communication it could be the truth, a lie, or the many shades of gray we cloud ourselves in.

The pencil, the original word processor, has been putting words, thoughts and dreams to paper for many years. I have been putting words to my thoughts and dreams and have been a teacher for most of my life. I have taught my students, my children, Mr. Sassy Pencil, family, friends, and many a stranger along the way many wonderful and not so wonderful things in this crazy life of mine. I hope those who appreciate a sassy word or two on a multitude of subjects will enjoy a laugh or two along with me as I start this life as a blogger.